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Once there was a millionaire, who collected live alligators.
He kept them in the pool in back of his mansion.
The millionaire also had a beautiful daughter who was
single.
One day he decided to throw a huge party, and during
the party he announced,
"My dear guests...I have a proposition to every man
here. I will give one million dollars or my daughter to the man who can swim across this pool full of alligators and emerge
unharmed!"
As soon as he finished his last word, there was the
sound of a large SPLASH!!
There was one guy in the pool swimming with all of his
might as the crowd cheered him on.
Finally, he made it to the other side unharmed.
The millionaire was impressed. He said, "My boy that
was incredible! Fantastic! I didn't think it could be done! Well I must keep my end of the bargain... which do you want, my
daughter or the one million dollars?"
The guy says, "Listen, I don't want your money! And
I don't want your daughter!
I want the person who pushed me in that WATER!!!
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One day a guy dies and finds himself in hell. As he
is wallowing in despair, he has his first meeting with the devil... Satan: "Why so glum?" Guy: "Why do you think? I'm in hell!"
Satan: "Hell's not so bad. We actually have a lot of fun down here. You a drinking man?" Guy: "Sure, I love to drink."
Satan:
"Well you're going to love Mondays then. On Mondays that's all we do is drink. Whiskey, tequila, Guinness, wine coolers, diet
tab and fresca. And we don't worry about getting a hangover, because you're dead anyway." Guy: "Gee, that sounds great!" Satan:
"You a smoker?" Guy: "You better believe it!" Satan: "All right! You're going to love Tuesdays. We get the finest cigars from
all over the world and smoke our lungs out. If you get cancer - no biggie, you're already dead, remember?"
Guy: "Wow,
that's awesome!" Satan: "I bet you like to gamble." Guy: "Why yes, as a matter of fact I do." Satan: "'Cause Wednesdays you
can gamble all you want. Craps, Blackjack, Roulette, Poker, Slots, whatever. If you go bankrupt... you're dead anyhow." Guy:
"WOW! I never realized Hell was such a cool place!" Satan: "You gay?" Guy: "Hell, no!" Satan: "Hm, you gonna hate Fridays
then."
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A man rushes into his house and
yells to his wife, "Martha, pack up your things. I just won the state lottery!"
Martha replies, "Shall I pack for warm
weather or cold?"
The man responds, "I don't care. Just so long as you're out of the house by noon!"
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Two
bored dealers are waiting around for someone to walk up and try their luck at the craps table. A very attractive lady comes
in and wants to bet twenty-thousand dollars on a single roll of the dice. The dealers agree.
She says, "I hope you
don't mind, but I feel much luckier when I'm half naked." With that she strips naked from the waist down, and rolls the dice
while yelling, "Momma needs a new pair of pants!" She then begins jumping up and down and hugging each of the dealers.
"YES!
I WIN! I WIN!" With that she picks up her money and clothes and quickly leaves.
The dealers just stare at each other
dumbfounded. Finally one of them asks, "What did she roll anyway?" The other answers, "I don't know. I thought YOU were watching
the dice!"
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A blonde was in Vegas vacationing with friends. She was standing in front of the candy
machine and put two coins in, turned the knob and a candy bar fell out.
She picked up the candy bar and put it in her
pocket, then she proceeded to put two more coins into the slot and turned the knob, again a candy bar fell out and she put
it in her pocket.
She put two more coins into the machine and again turned the knob producing yet another candy bar.
A
man was watching from a short distance away and walked up to her, he said "Excuse me Miss? What are you doing?"
She
said, "Duh! I'm winning here!"
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Two dog owners were
bragging about the intelligence of their pets.
"The brightest dog I ever had," said one, "was a Great Dane that could
play cards. He was a whiz at poker, but I had him put to sleep."
"You had him put to sleep, a bright dog like that?
A dog like that would be worth a million dollars."
"Had to," he replied, "Caught him using marked cards!"
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A little old lady goes into the Chase Manhattan Bank, and says she wants to open a savings
account. The accounts person asks her how much she would like to deposit to open the account and the little old lady says,
"Three million dollars."
The accounts person is startled, and says, "In what form?" and the little old lady says, "Cash.
I've got it here in this bag..." and the accounts person looks and, sure enough, the lady has a big grocery bag just chock
full of green stuff with big denominations.
This is a highly unusual event, and the accounts person excuses herself
to get the president of the bank to handle this one. He arrives, and escorts the little old lady to his office to handle it
personally.
Once in his office, he asks the little old lady where she got so much money.
She says, "Gambling."
"Gambling?",
he says. "What sort of gambling?"
"Oh, I make bets with people on all sorts of things, and I usually win. For example,
I've got $100,000 right here that says that by noon tomorrow your balls will be square, and I'll even give you 4:1 odds. You
got $25,000 you'd be willing to wager on that?"
The bank president is shocked at this sort of thing coming from a sweet
little old lady, but he didn't get to be the president of the Chase Manhattan Bank without knowing something about money.
"I suppose I could come up with enough to cover that sort of wager, but I wouldn't feel right taking it from you...there's
no way you can win a bet like that!"
The little old lady just shook the bag, and said, "I know what I'm doing...and
I can afford to lose, though I'm not going to. Is it a bet?"
"Ok, have it your way", said the president, and they shook
hands on it.
"See you at 11:55 tomorrow morning", said the little old lady, and with that she left.
Next morning
at 11:55 the little old lady arrives with a younger man in a three-piece suit, and is escorted to the bank president's office.
The president is a nervous wreck, though a happy one. He'd gotten almost no sleep the night before, waking every few minutes
to feel his balls to check for impending squareness, but nothing happened all night. He had checked hundreds of times that
morning, but still nothing; perfectly normal.
When the little old lady arrived he started to relax, knowing he had
won.
"Come in, please have a seat! Who might this gentleman be?" said the president.
"He's my lawyer. For a
bet of this size I want to have a witness. Any objections?"
"No, perfectly understandable", said the president. "Well,
it's now noon, and I'm still unchanged, so I guess I win!" he said happily.
"Not so fast!" said the little old lady.
"For a hundred grand I want to verify things personally! Please drop your pants."
The bank president is a bit flustered,
but agrees that in her position he'd want proof as well, so he drops his pants. The little old lady goes over to him and reaches
out to feel the organs in question.
"Ok, you win, here's your $100,000," says the little old lady, handing over a bag
of bills. As she does so, her lawyer starts banging his head against the wall and moaning.
"What's wrong with him?"
asks the bank president.
"Oh, he's just upset. Poor loser if you ask me. You see, I had a bet for $1,000,000 with him
that I would have the President of the Chase Manhattan Bank by the balls by noon today."
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A man walks into a bar and notices a poker game at the far table. Upon taking a closer look he sees a dog
sitting at the table. This peaks his curiousity and he walks closer and sees cards and chips in front of the dog.
Then
the next hand is dealt and cards are dealt to the dog. Then the dog acts in turn with all the other players, calling, raising,
discarding, everything the other human players were doing.
However none of the other players seemed to pay any mind
to the fact that they were playing with a dog, they just treated him like any other player. Finally the man could not longer
hold his tongue so between hands he quietly said to one of the players, "I can't believe that dog is playing poker, he must
be the smartest dog in the world!"
The player smiled and said, "He isn't that smart, every time he gets a good hand
he wags his tail."
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A guy named Joe finds himself in dire trouble. His business has gone bust and he's in
serious financial trouble. He's so desperate he decides to ask God for help. He begins to pray... "God, please help me. I've
lost my business and if I don't get some money, I'm going to lose my house as well. Please let me win the lottery."
Lottery
night comes and somebody else wins it.
Joe again prays...
"God, please let me win the lottery! I've lost my
business, my house and I'm going to lose my car as well."
Lotto night comes and Joe still has no luck.
Once
again, he prays...
"My God, why have you forsaken me?? I've lost my business, my house, and my car. My wife and children
are starving. I don't often ask you for help and I have always been a good servant to you. PLEASE just let me win the lottery
this one time so I can get my life back in order."
Suddenly there is a blinding flash of light as the heavens open
and Joe is confronted by the voice of God Himself:
"Joe, meet Me halfway on this. Buy a ticket."
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A blackjack dealer and a player with a thirteen count in his hand
were arguing about whether or not it was appropriate to tip the dealer.
The player said, "When I get bad cards, it's
not the dealers fault. Accordingly, when I get good cards, the dealer obviously had nothing to do with it so why should I
tip him?" The dealer said, "When you eat out do you tip the waiter?" "Yes." "Well then, he serves you food, I'm serving you
cards so you should tip me."
"OK, but, the waiter gives me what I ask for...I'll take an eight."
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Two friends, Smith
and Jones, went together to play the slot machines at the casino. Each agreed that when his allotted money was gone, he would
go to the front of the casino and sit on the bench to wait for his friend.
Jones quickly lost all of his money and
went to sit on the bench. He waited and waited and waited and waited.
After what seemed an eternity, he saw Smith coming
toward him carrying a huge sack of coins. "Hey, Jones," said Smith, "how'd you do?" "Well, Smith", said Jones, "you see me
here on this bench- what do you think? It looks like you hit it big, though." "Oh yeah," said Smith, "did I find a good machine!
It's way in the back. I'll show it to you-you can't lose! EVERY TIME YOU PUT IN A DOLLAR FOUR QUARTERS COME OUT!!!"
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Two Kentuckians drove to a gas station in Indiana for a fill-up because they heard about a contest being offered
by the station to patrons who purchase a full tank of gas. When they went inside to pay, the men asked the attendant about
the contest. "If you win, you're entitled to free sex," said the attendant.
"How do we enter?" asked the Kentuckian.
"Well, I'm thinking of a number between 1 and 10. If you guess right, you win free sex." "O.K. I guess 7," said the Kentuckian.
"Sorry, I was thinking of 8," replied the attendant. The next week, the two Kentuckians returned to the same station to get
gas. When they went inside to pay, the one Kentuckian asked the attendant if the contest was still going on. "Sure," replied
the attendant. "I'm thinking of a number between 1 and 10. If you guess right, you win free sex. " "Two," said the Kentuckian.
"Sorry, I was thinking of 3," replied the attendant. "Come back soon and try again." As they walked back to the car, the one
Kentuckian said to the other, "You know, I'm beginning to think this contest is rigged." "No way," said the other. "My wife
won twice last week."
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A man comes home to find his wife packing her bags. "Where are you going?" demands the
surprised husband. "To Las Vegas! I found out that there are men that will pay me $500 to do what I do for you for free!"
The man pondered that thought for a moment, and then began packing HIS bags. "What do you think you are doing?" she screamed.
"I'm going to Las Vegas with you... I want to see how you're going to live on $1000 a year!"
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A computer programmer and an engineer were
sitting next to each other on a transcontinental flight. The programmer leaned over to the engineer and asked whether he would
like to play a game. The engineer only wanted to take a nap, so he politely declined, rolled over toward the window and closed
his eyes.
The programmer persisted and stated that the game was both very easy and a lot of fun. He explained "I ask
you a question - if you don't know the answer, you pay me five bucks. Then you ask me a question, and if I don't know the
answer, I'll pay five bucks to you." Again, the Engineer politely declined and closed his eyes. The programmer, somewhat agitated,
said, "OK, if you don't know the answer you pay me five bucks, but if I don't know the answer, I'll pay you fifty bucks!"
This caught the engineer's attention, and - seeing no end to his torment unless he played the game - agreed to play. The programmer
asked the first question: "What's the distance between the Earth and the Moon?" The engineer wordlessly reached into his wallet,
pulled out a five dollar bill and handed it to the programmer. Now it was the engineer's turn. He asked the programmer: "What
goes up a hill with three legs, and comes down on four?" The programmer looked puzzled, then took out his laptop computer
and searched through all his reference material. He tapped into the AirPhonex with his modem and searched through the Internet
and the Library of Congress, all to no avail. Then he sent urgent E-mail inquiries to all of his brightest colleagues, but
could find no help anywhere. After an hour or so he woke the engineer and forked over $50. The engineer accepted the money
politely and closed his eyes again.
The programmer, more than slightly frustrated, shook the engineer's shoulder and
demanded, "So, what's the answer?". The engineer just smiled, reached again into his wallet, handed the programmer a five
dollar bill, and went right back to sleep.
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Buckshot was a compulsive gambler,
and would bet on anything and everything; horses, dogs, football, baseball, basketball, snooker and even soccer games. When
Buckshot was down to his last dollar, he went to his best friend and said "Roy, I need $1000, we have no food, I owe rent,
the kids need jeans for school, and the wife won’t leave the house because we have bad checks at all the stores. Can
you help me out?" So his best buddy gave him $2000 to get him ahead, but on one condition, that he does not use the money
for gambling. Buckshot’s reply was "Oh, I have money put away for that."
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A rabbi,
a minister, and a priest are playing poker when the police raid the game. Addressing the priest, the lead officer asks: "Father
Murphy, were you gambling?" Turning his eyes to heaven, the priest whispers, "Lord, forgive me for what I am about to do."
To the police officer, he then says, "No, officer, I was not gambling." The officer then asks the minister: "Pastor Johnson,
were you gambling?" Again, after an appeal to heaven, the minister replies, "No, officer, I was not gambling." Turning to
the rabbi, the officer again asks: "Rabbi Goldstein, were you gambling?" Shrugging his shoulders, the rabbi replies: "With
whom?"
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Little Tommy was the quietest boy in school. He never answered any questions but his homework was always quite
excellent. If any one said anything to him he would simply nod, or shake his head. The staff thought he was shy and decided
to do something to give him confidence. "Tommy," said his teacher. "I've just bet Miss Smith $5 I can get you to say three
words. You can have half." Tommy looked at her pityingly and said, "You lose."
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The best bet for a player to make is what is called a "Mind Bet" You stand behind the
game watch the action and attempt to predict the winner. You never bet any real money you only bet in your mind. Last week
a friend of mine lost his mind three times.
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A husband and wife were having dinner at a very Fine restaurant
when this absolutely stunning young woman comes over to their table, gives the husband a big kiss, tells him she'll see him
later, and walks away. His wife glares at him and says, "Who was that??!!" "Oh," replies the husband, "that was my mistress."
The wife says, "That's it; I want a divorce." "I understand," replies her husband, "But, remember, if you get a divorce, there
will be no more shopping trips to Paris, no wintering in the Caribbean, no Infinity or Lexus in the garage, and no more Country
Club, but the decision is yours." Just then the wife notices a mutual friend entering the restaurant with a gorgeous woman.
"Who's that woman with Jim? " she asks. "That's his mistress," replies her husband. "Ours is prettier," says the wife
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One day, at a casino
buffet, a man suddenly called out, "My son's choking! He swallowed a quarter! Help! Please, anyone! Help!" A man from a nearby
table stood up and announced that he was quite experienced at this sort of thing. He stepped over with almost no look of concern
at all, wrapped his hands around the boy's gonads, and squeezed. Out popped the quarter. The man then went back to his table
as though nothing had happened. "Thank you! Thank you!" the father cried. "Are you a paramedic?" "No," replied the man. "I
work for the IRS."
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A
woman was in a casino for the first time. The spinning ball of the roulette wheel has always caught her attention. She decides
to play at the roulette table and she says, "I have no idea what number to play." A young, good-looking man nearby suggests
she play her age. Smiling at the man, she puts her money on number 29. The wheel is spun, and 36 comes up. The smile drifts
from the woman's face and she faints
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A man walks into a butcher's shop and inquires of the butcher: "Are you a gambling man?" The butcher says
"Yes", so the man said: "I bet you $50 that you can't reach up and touch that meat hanging on the hooks up there." The butcher
says "I'm not betting on that." "But I thought you were a gambling man" the man retorts. "Yes I am" says the butcher "but
the steaks are too high."
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A doctor answers his phone and hears the familiar voice of a colleague
on the other end of the line. "We need a fourth for poker," said the friend. "I'll be right over," whispered the doctor. As
he was putting on his coat, his wife asked, "Is it serious?" "Oh yes, quite serious," said the doctor gravely. "In fact, there
are three doctors there already!"
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The strong young man
at the construction site was bragging that he could outdo anyone in a feat of strength. He made a special case of making fun
of one of the older workmen. After several minutes, the older worker had had enough.
"Why don't you put your money
where your mouth is," he said. "I will bet a week's wages that I can haul something in a wheelbarrow over to that outbuilding
that you won't be able to wheel back."
"You're on, old man," the braggart replied. "Let's see what you got."
The
old man reached out and grabbed the wheelbarrow by the handles. Then, nodding to the young man, he said, "All right. Get in."
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"I
want you to help me stop my son gambling," an anxious father said to his boy's principal. "I don't know where he gets it from
but it's bet, bet, bet."
"Leave it to me," said the principal. A week later he phoned the boy's father. "I think I've
cured him," he said.
"How?"
"Well, I saw him looking at my beard and he said, 'I bet that's a false beard.'
'How
much?' I said, and he said "$5 "
"What happened?" asked the father.
"Well, he tugged my beard, which is quite
natural, and I made him give me $5. I'm sure that'll teach him a lesson."
"No, it won't," said the father. "He bet
me $10 this morning that he'd pull your beard with your permission by the end of the week!"
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